me and my charms
by PeppermintP4tty
Summary: A one-off, some McHastings friendship. Emily and Paige misunderstanding about Alison. Set after Emily's postcard turning up and news of Ali's next memorial


Paige has a bad feeling about tonight. Not that she doesn't want to go, but she's kind of worried about how things are going to go. Emily's been distant the last few days and Paige doesn't really know what's going on with her, but it feels like something big.

Opening her door, Hanna lets out an approving whistle and nods looking Paige up and down,

"Hey, look at you. You look _hot_." Hanna turns to Caleb, "you know, you could do worse than get a couple of pointers from her."

'Hanna, I'm _not _wearing a vest," Caleb nods at Paige, "um, no offence."

"None taken."

The walk to Emily's doesn't take long but when they pick Emily up, she's not quite herself, her eyes are sad, her smile, even when she looks at Paige and Hanna makes some comment about Paige's outfit, doesn't quite reach her eyes. And Paige's heart twists. Part of her wants to just turn and run and get the hell out of there; she has to bite back the bitter, hurtful words that spring up in her mouth, but she's not that person anymore, that was the person Alison helped create and she's not going to go back there. Instead, she leans in to Emily and brushes the lightest of kisses at the side of her mouth,

"You look beautiful," she whispers.

Emily tries another smile and links her fingers into Paige's walking alongside her. But she doesn't say anything and she doesn't compliment Paige back, nor does she join in with Hanna's chatter. Paige sneaks a couple of looks at her as they're walking and can see Emily's far away, she looks like she's been crying but has tried to cover it up and she won't meet Paige's eyes when she tries to catch hers. The further they walk the more Paige is shrinking inside, she can feel her shoulders slumping, her gait lessening and tears are springing in her eyes.

It's a beat too long before she even realises Caleb has been talking to her,

"Erm, sorry?"

He laughs, "listen, I'm just saying, Lucas has like a suite with all the latest computer games in. Challenge you?"

Paige shakes her head, trying to clear it. She's going to hold this together until her and Emily have a chance to discuss stuff.

"Sure, sure. Although, I have to give Spencer a chance to redeem herself after last time."

Hanna chuckles,

"Oh yeah, Spencer and Paige Death Match round 2." She suddenly remembers something, "actually, is Spencer gonna be here tonight? She's still looking kinda –"

"Broken." Emily interjects. The others shuffle uncomfortably, there's real force in Emily's comment and Paige feels a distinct chill. "She's coming with Aria. No Ezra, he's with Malcolm."

Emily breaks her hold on Paige's hand and without making eye-contact with her quickens her stride up to Lucas's front door and knocks sharply on it. Not waiting for a reply she steps inside to the kitchen. Emily grabs a glass and fills it up with a vicious-smelling punch before looking around her. She catches sight of Aria and Spencer and without looking back at Paige hurries on over to them. Paige sighs and runs her hand over her brow. She catches sight of Hanna's puzzled look at her and tries to put on a brave smile.

"Ok, so, what's going on? You and Em have hardly exchanged two words on the way over here – and we've not seen you together at school for ages, usually you're glued together at the hip, so, spill. What's the argument about?"

Hanna doesn't mean anything by it, in fact she's smiling as she says it, not believing there's anything really wrong, more digging for some gossip, so when Paige just sighs and blanks her, anger crosses Hanna's features.

"Ok, look, what _is_ going on?" She asks, more urgent now. "What've you done?"

Paige laughs harshly,

"Oh, yeah that's about right, it's _my _fault I guess. For your information, I haven't done anything. I have no idea what's going on with Emily. She hasn't spoken to me properly for days. I'm just the one being jerked around. But sure, whatever you think, it's my fault."

"Not all of us think that, Paige."

Paige's head snaps round to look at the speaker. She hadn't noticed Spencer detach herself from Emily and Aria. She must have come over when she saw them standing in the kitchen and heard the majority of the conversation. Paige drops her eyes, her confrontational stance slackens and she swallows her hurt and anger down.

"Hanna, come on, let's just enjoy the party. I've got a re-match to sort out with Paige."

Hanna takes another look at Paige, but this time there's a hint of doubt and even apology in her glance. Caleb has already sought out some of the guys at the party and so Hanna slopes off to join Aria and Emily. Paige smiles sadly at Hanna and turns to Spencer,

"Thanks."

"No bother – it's not the same as taking on the Queen of Hearts, but Hanna can be pretty formidable when she wants to be." Paige laughs,

"I'm guessing she doesn't fight fair?"

"Oh, no, it's hair-pulling all the way with Hanna." Spencer plays with her glass of punch and a beat, two, three passes. 'Hey, you want a drink?"

"Yeah, I'm not drinking that stuff though. I'll just grab a beer."

"Ok. Look, I'm guessing you're not really into the whole rematch, so we could just call it quits and move on?" Spencer's smiling as she says this, but her eyes are kind, concerned. She touches Paige lightly on the elbow. Paige feels the contact, knows it's well-meant, suddenly feels as if there's someone on her side.

"Oh, you'd love that for sure."

They both laugh, out of politeness rather than genuine humour, both aware that there are other things that need to be said. Paige drops her eyes from Spencer's and changes her tone,

"Yeah, look if you wanna go talk to your friends, I'll just find Caleb."

"Paige? To be honest, I'd rather not. Do you want to go outside, I don't really want to be in here?"

There's genuine concern in Spencer's eyes and a genuine hurt. Paige has talked to Spencer about Toby and there's a genuine friendship developing between the two of them, and as everyone has pointed out, they've got more in common than either would care to admit. Paige nods and Spencer leads them outside to the garden. There's a couple of chairs been set up near the pool with a table in the middle and some candles lighted around. Spencer takes one and Paige sits herself opposite.

It's still warm out and the sky is clear, there's a warm breeze blowing across the treetops that overhang the garden, making the candles gutter and dance. Paige and Spencer sit in silence for a few minutes, Paige takes a few sips from her beer bottle, sits forward in her chair and looks at Spencer.

"So, how're you doing?" Spencer catches Paige's eye, half-smiles, raises her glass and takes a drink,

"Oh, I'm fine and dandy."

"Ok." Paige nods, "By the way, I haven't said anything."

"No, I know. If you had I'm guessing the girls would have been all up in my face." A moment, then a genuine, "thanks. It must be hard keeping a secret like that from Emily?" Paige is aware Spencer's made her move and opened up the space for them to talk and she's grateful.

'You'd think, wouldn't you?" she looks away from Spencer and leans back in her chair. The hand that's not clutching the beer bottle curls into a fist, her neck aches, she's a ball of tension. She's never really had anyone to talk to about Emily, only Emily herself and there's part of her that feels disloyal. Then she remembers that Spencer's known Emily forever, she's known her so long that it's practically _like_ talking to Emily. She opens her mouth to say something, then swallows it down, Spencer chuckles,

"What happens in fight club, stays in fight club," she smiles. "C'mon, Paige, even Hanna noticed something's going on. I've got an idea, but I want to hear what you've got to say."

"To be honest, Spencer, I don't know. Emily's been kind of weird for a couple of days. I can't get close to her. I mean physically _and_ emotionally. She's shutting me out, but trying not to shut me out and then, she just doesn't notice and does it again." Paige shrugs, takes a swig from her bottle.

"What do you think it's about?"

Paige squeezes her eyes shut and blows out her cheeks. She doesn't want to admit it. Like naming the bogey-man, she doesn't want to say it out loud, to make it real. She shuffles in her chair again,

"Alison." Spencer nods,

"Clever girl."

For all that she genuinely wants to help Paige, Spencer's developed a harshness since she found out about Toby's betrayal that she can't turn off. But Paige can handle it, trusts that Spencer's instincts and motives are good. For all that, Paige doesn't really want to be right. She sighs, dips her head and her shoulders slump a little. She's been getting more and more confident about herself since she's been with Emily, but also, since she hasn't been mercilessly bullied for who she is and what she wants anymore. The mention of Ali brings old memories and old hurts flooding back and she's shaken to find Alison's name still affects her physically as much as Alison's very real presence ever did. She says in a low voice,

"I'm right." Spencer nods. "I really wish I hadn't been."

"No. There's another memorial so …" Spencer pauses to let it sink in. "Emily loved Ali more than all of us. She's the one who finds it hardest to let go."

"Yeah, I think even when Alison was still alive, I think I guessed how Emily felt about her." Paige goes to ask the question, opens her mouth, half closes it, sighs, "and Alison?"

Spencer laughs, cruelly,

"Oh, come on, even you must know, Ali didn't _love_. She didn't know what love was. She just knew how to manipulate it."

'Ali' – it's all been about Ali, even when she's dead. Paige knows what Alison meant to Emily, or at least, never having spoken about it, she _thinks_ she knows, she has a good idea, and it's the one thing Paige cannot deal with when it comes to Emily. She could deal with Maya, she can deal with Mona, she can even deal with Spencer, hell, she can deal with whoever else is torturing her, but Alison….? And she knows she shouldn't expect Emily to just put her feelings for Alison out of the way, but after Paige told Emily about her and Alison's 'history', she's expected Emily to see Alison in a different way, but it seems that maybe not and she cannot comprehend it.

Spencer looks at her, pressing the bruise,

"But you know that, with your history." Paige jerks her head up,

"I didn't know anyone knew about – I only told Emily." Spencer's face softens a little, she will always protect Emily,

"Oh no, Emily didn't tell me. Cece did. About Ali's little love note?" Paige reddens. "Yeah and I'm sorry, Paige, rather than feel sorry for you, I used it to accuse you of being A." She barks out a harsh laugh, "Huh, the universe really is a spiteful little bastard."

Paige didn't know this about Cece. Didn't know what had actually led to the accusations. She has to swallow it down. Now's not the time for either her or Spencer. Paige takes another drink to rid her mouth of the taste of Spencer's declaration.

"So? Emily?"

"Yes, Emily was in love with Ali. I'm guessing with all the stuff about memorial 2.0, it just brought a lot of things back to her." Spencer's voice is dripping with sarcasm.

Paige swallows quickly and breathes in. She feels sick. But she also feels really, really angry. So she spends one night at a club with an ex, and has to apologise for Emily's jealousy and all this time…. She looks up into the sky and has to struggle to stop herself from yelling, or crying, or, probably, both.

"Spencer, the Alison I knew was a – a _monster_. I don't get it."

Spencer sighs. Since Toby, she's kind of over Ali now but she wants to try and help Paige, because then she'll be helping Emily.

"Look, Ali wasn't some monster, Paige. She was just a girl- "

"Huh, Alison was never _just a girl_."

"Listen. Ali had a way of making you feel the best, the funniest, the cleverest, the _most special_. You wanted to be near her. And from what I gather, she was even more so with Emily. She knew how Emily felt about her and she used that. But I think in their moments alone together, she was genuinely sweet to her."

Paige looks out across the garden. She shivers, as the sun has dropped lower it's getting colder and colder out here. She looks down and can see goosebumps on her forearms where she's folded back the sleeves on her shirt. She doesn't think they're just to do with the cold.

"Paige, I've spent the last _two years_ thinking about it. Some of the things we've heard about Ali have made me question how the hell we were ever friends with her. But," Spencer shrugs, "I think she was scared." Pagie scoffs. "No, hear me out. I think she was just trying to find a way to make her way in a big, bad world. She kept us friends by keeping our secrets. It gave her power."

Paige shakes her head,

"You don't know our history."

"No." Spencer waits, she's not going to push Paige, but she'll listen. Paige rubs the back of her neck with her left hand and takes a deep breath. Her voice is low and steady.

"I'm not that person anymore. The one who tried to – to hurt Emily and I'm not blaming Alison, but that was part of how coping with Alison _made_ me. I had to lash out at anyone who got close because if they did they'd find out about me and torture me about it."

Paige looks at Spencer to gauge a reaction. Spencer just looks her straight in the face and nods.

"I – tried to _hurt_ myself, because of Alison. And the note. To Emily."

Spencer reacts to that, she breathes out a sharp breath and shakes her head. Her eyes are kind as she catches Paige's.

"I didn't know."

"No."

"But, Emily does?"

"Yeah. Oh, it wasn't just the one note. There was a string of things she did just to get at me."

"I can see why you'd hate her so much."

"Yeah. So. It's hard for me when you say Emily was in love with Alison and is so upset, even _now_ over her death." She waits a beat, gives a chuckle, "give _me_ a chance to say goodbye to the bitch and I'd stick a stake in her heart to make sure she _couldn't_ rise again. I wouldn't put anything past her."

Spencer gives a little side-smile,

"Yeah. I wouldn't say that to Emily."

They both smile. Paige rubs her hand over her forehead and momentarily closes her eyes,

'You're probably right."

"Paige, you know Emily is the sweetest, kindest girl in the world. But she's not who she was back then. She's got a thread of _steel_ running through her now."

Paige smiles a little at Spencer's words,

"I know."

"So, I don't think you need to worry about Ali. I think Emily just needs to work through how she feels and then," Spencer shrugs, "I think she'll be all yours again. She loves you very much, you know?"

Paige feels lighter, Spencer's words ringing true. She swigs her beer and gets up,

"I'm getting another, you want one?"

"Sure."

"Spencer?" Spencer looks up at Paige, "thanks. Look – I know you don't think I'm good enough for Emily, but I'm working on –"

"You know what, Paige. I actually think you're perfect for her. I know you love her. I think you just have to show her that you're there for her, 'cause I'm not sure she can believe that right now."

Spencer nods towards the door, where behind Paige's back, Emily has appeared. Paige turns to see what Spencer's looking at, and catches her breath as she sees Emily, who hasn't noticed them sitting together. She looks worn out, tired and lonely. She's on the verge of tears again and is struggling to keep it together. Paige looks at Spencer, she doesn't want to do this, doesn't want to comfort Emily again over a dead girl, especially one that she hated, hates. Spencer leans back in her chair,

"Paige? I'll go over if you want, but I think Emily would prefer if it were you." She waits a beat for Paige to move, "but, you know, if you're too chicken?"

Paige smiles and puts down her bottle, she wipes her hands on her jeans and takes a deep breath,

"Oh _no_, you'd love that too much, Spencer. I got this."

Emily's had enough of the party. She's had enough of talking and talking about Ali and about the memorial and about A. She just wants to leave. And she wants to leave with Paige, but she doesn't know where she is. Plus, the way she's been treating her this past week, Emily wouldn't be surprised if Paige was somewhere figuratively tearing her to bits. Or just plain gone home.

At a lull in the conversation with Aria and Hanna, Emily takes the chance to slip outside. She needs the air. She just needs to get away. She's tired. Tired of the 'A game', tired of saying goodbye to Ali. Tired of remembering every conversation with her, unsure what was real or if there were some terrible double meaning. What she really wants is Paige's directness. Paige's way of looking at her, which is so clear and transparent and so sure of what she feels.

She thought she was the only one in the garden, but she can hear voices, Emily turns towards the pool area to see where they're coming from. She's a little shocked to see Paige and Spencer talking together. Apparently, _laughing_ together. As she watches, she sees Spencer get up and turn to go inside. She sees Paige take a breath and straighten her vest, plucking up courage, before she walks over to her.

"Hi." Paige's voice is colder than usual, but she's trying to smile. Emily guesses she's trying to gauge the reaction she's going to get and a pang of guilt goes through her. She smiles and holds Paige's eyes,

"Hey." She says softly, "Um, ok, I haven't had that much to drink, but I could have sworn I just saw you and Spencer having a conversation."

Paige chuckles a little and scuffs the toe of her boot into the gravel path they're standing on. She clears her throat to steady her voice,

"Yeah. We were."

"Wow. So, you're – what? _Friends_ now?" Emily says lightly, a small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

"I guess." Paige shrugs, "she can be pretty cool when she needs to be."

Emily's face lights up, her smile the biggest she's managed for over a week since she heard about Ali's second memorial and found the first of those postcards,

"Ok. Wow. And I never believed it when people said to me you had stuff in common!" Paige just laughs. "So what were you talking about?"

Emily's really only trying to make conversation, to cover up how she's been this past week, because she just wants Paige to hold her and make her feel loved and good and beautiful like she always makes her feel. She isn't really digging. But when Paige stiffens a little and shrugs, Emily realises that she's stumbled into something.

"Oh."

"What?" Paige asks too hurriedly.

"You were talking about _us_?"

Paige goes to say something, holds back, but she can never really lie to Emily. Not for long. And at the moment with things the way they've been she doesn't need them to get worse and she's becoming aware that lies and lying will always tear you apart.

"A little."

Emily goes quiet. She's never considered that perhaps Paige needs someone outside of the two of them to talk with. And she realises how isolated Paige is, even in their relationship. Emily nods her head. She steps closer to Paige and watches as Paige's breath hitches as she leans forwards and presses a light kiss on her cheek. She pulls back and smiles, leaving her hands gently holding on to Paige's wrists.

'Hanna's right you know. You _do_ look hot," she whispers.

Paige blushes and looks away, but Emily can see the little glint come back into Paige's eyes and Emily thinks about how easy it really is when you love someone, but how hard and complicated you can make it, when you forget to see it's just two girls, who love one another and that all they need to do sometimes is to forget the other things, the things that cause the lying and the hurt and concentrate on the basics. And Emily is once again reminded about how Paige's body is all about the basics. That all Emily needs to do is to remember how Paige's breathing hitches when she looks at her, how she shivers when they touch, how she gives a small, shy smile when Emily catches her hand as they're walking down the street, to get back to the truth of them.

"Yeah, well. I wanted to try and get some attention," Paige smiles.

It's Emily's turn to duck her head and look away. She sighs,

"Guess I deserved that."

"Oh, no, Em. I didn't mean –"

"Yes." She steps closer again, her right hand making contact with skin where Paige's shirt has slightly risen, her left snaking round Paige's waist, "you did." Emily smiles and holds Paige's gaze as Paige brings her arms up; one around Emily's back, the other moving to rest at the back of her neck. They sway gently, eyes locked.

"What did Spence say?"

"Um, just about Alison having another memorial or something." Emily nods,

"Ok. Did she say I was upset?"

"Nah. I said you were upset." Paige pauses to consider, "um, _distant_."

"I don't know how to talk to you about it, Paige. I know what Ali did to you. How she treated you and it didn't seem fair. But then, it's what's going on with me and it's upset me and I didn't know what to do."

Paige nods.

"I know. To be honest, Em. I don't think I could have handled it."

"Thank you."

Paige leans back a little, puzzled, she frowns. Emily continues,

"For being honest."

"Ok." Paige waits a beat, unsure what to do or say, what move to take next. She feels Emily push into her embrace, pulling her flush against her body, she swallows, "Em?"

Emily's eyes are closed, finally finding comfort in Paige's smell, her warmth,

"Mhm?"

"Can you just kiss me? 'Cause I've really, really missed just kissing you."

Emily smiles, shifts and presses her lips to Paige's, slowly, carefully. She wants to remember this kiss, to taste Paige, to remember her taste and the way her body reacts. She feels Paige's breath hitch, feels her smile into the kiss and she returns the smile whilst slowly running her tongue over Paige's bottom lip. Paige pulls her closer, humming into Emily's mouth. Emily feels Paige's body push closer against her, feels her shiver at their closeness. She feels Paige's tongue in her mouth, feels her hand clutch at the back of her shirt, the other tangle in her hair. She doesn't want to stop, but knows if they carry on like this they'll go beyond the point of stopping, so she starts to pull back a little. They break the kiss slowly, Paige leans up to kiss her on her temple and whispers.

"I'm sorry you're hurting. And I'm sorry you didn't feel you could talk to me."

Emily pulls away from Paige to be able to look at her. She takes Paige's hand.

"It's ok. You know, I'm not really hurting for Alison. And that's what's upset me,I think. I'm finally finding the strength to let her go. But I know everyone _expects_ me to be upset about her. To remember her. And I pushed you away because I didn't want you to think less of me, because I'm _angry_, Paige. With Alison, with how she was, with how she treated you and also all this _insane stuff_ we have to deal with." She pauses a moment, looking upset, "I'm angry with how Spencer is without Toby."

Emily shrugs a little, still holding Paige's hand she moves towards the pool area so the light is reflecting onto them, sending little waves and pulses of light flickering over exposed skin and faces. Paige isn't sure how to respond, but is getting the idea that perhaps Emily just needs to talk it out, and that perhaps her role isn't to solve, but it's just to listen and to hold Emily really tightly when she feels scared and angry. So she holds onto her hand and listens.

"Paige? I said the other day that it's not fair that we have to live like this."

"I remember."

"But I guess I just have to carry on living like this until it's all over. And saying goodbye to Alison just seems to keep it from ever being over. We just don't seem to get anywhere."

"I know."

Emily huffs and squeezes Paige's hand. She pushes her hair back from her face.

"Paige? Can we just go somewhere else? Just us, together? Can we just be away from all this for a while and just talk about normal things and act like a normal couple and just have some fun?"

Paige smiles at her,

"Sure."

Emily leans over and kisses Paige, then smiles and takes a breath,

"Thank you," she whispers.


End file.
